Knitting

9/20/11

So this thing happened the other day at school where I ruined someone's day with mindless, android life skills.  I came into a classroom where there was a young student doing something I thought they shouldn't be doing. I immediately, and without stopping to survey the situation, started in on him, "I don't think you should be blah blah blah." And followed that with, "Wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha," like a Charlie Brown grown up.  I was met with much resistance, was called some names, had a meeting called on me, and then finally was told that I had ruined everything (This all happened before 8:45 a.m.).  Naturally, I was pretty bummed out. I had RUINED EVERYTHING.  My mind was racing and I retreated into thought as I licked my wounds. How is this my fault? I was the one who was called those nasty things!  I was just trying to-I was just trying to-Oh shit, what was I trying to do?  That is precisely it. I don't know what I was doing or why whatever that student was doing caught my eye. I didn't stop to think and then I ruined everything. 

The phrase, "didn't you stop to think?" usually means, "Why did you do that?" or "You should know better." We ask this of young people, employees, or anyone that we think we have more answers than. But really, we should take that phrase more seriously.  "Stopping to think" entails stopping and assessing the situation and having a bevy of solutions of which to choose correctly from. As it turns out, there is a reason there are so many books on the same topics (Read any consistent child rearing books lately?)  It's not because you are supposed to pick one and do what it says.  It's so you can have many solutions to choose from. (Duh, I know, but no one told me). Very few people actually do this. But, I want to be one of them.
My challenge lies in the fact that I am a person whose brain is always seeking patterns (and I'll add that I love, LOVE repetitive tasks. The more monotonous the better). I can see it in all aspects of my life.  My hobbies: sewing, puzzles, cards, untangling things, doing math, organizing, sorting, and, my church, sifting through endless racks of clothes at gigantic thrift stores. I pride myself on my rhythm and have always learned to play songs on instruments by memorizing the pattern of my hands. I also see it in my academic and/or professional approaches as well. I am always trying to figure out how to DO things.  I look for the way, the path, the guarantee. It's not that I always want things to be the same, it's just that I like to be able arrive at an outcome or know I can solve the problem.  It makes me terrible at following politics and encourages a training of the self that relies on automatic responses.
For Mother's Day, my husband took me to buy a new bike. This was awesome because my last bike, which I was in love with, was a Schwinn 10 speed from the 80's that I bought for a hundred bucks about five years ago. It weighed as much as me. It was like riding myself to work everyday. It only had a half of a working brake and I never shifted the gears because of the rust and the noise and the chain. But I had it all figured out. I could ride that bike thirty plus miles a day because I knew how to safely slow down and stop with that half brake, I built great muscle from the weight of it, and it was such a P.O.S. that I knew no one would ever try to steal it (confirmed as I gave it to a friend who locked it up outside her house til she could fix it up and it still sits there today). Then the new bike came and I couldn't remember which brake does what. It was scary because I had to think every time I wanted to stop. It was a real eye opener for me about how I train myself to do things without thinking about them. That I ride to work everyday without thinking about stopping. (I remember talking to a student about it when it happened. He was looking at me with a look that either approved of my deep thought or disproved of my unsafe bike riding. It was hard to tell). This is how I ruined everything for an 8 year old the other morning.  Because I was in the half-a-brake mode and just f***ed up my chance to turn his morning around. Both of our chances really.

Anywho, I wonder where drinking fits into all this (socially awkward drinking control anyone? Yes).  And religion (Which way? Which way?).  And I wonder why I never took to knitting-it seems right up my alley. 
My goal is to live up to some feedback I got from a colleague a few years back.  She said I was responsive and not reactive. She said it like it was true. Hmm. I want her to be right.

Things I think are Awesome:
Writing instead of watching new prime-time. (It's on RIGHT NOW)
Making journals with elementary schoolers.
Playing dress up (wink wink)
Capital letters instead of exclamation points.
Admitting I'm wrong. (Though I hardly ever am)
Salami
Leopard Print

Heros:
The roller hockey guys who let me share the rink with them.
People on buses and trains who let women with children sit down.
People who really listen