Ghoul Talk

It is of relatively little surprise that I would have some opinions about the television programming being aimed at little girls these days. There are, of course, some shows that are working really hard to neutralize the gender pushing and to portray female characters as something more than catty or compliant. And then there are the shows that my daughter likes to watch; the shows where all the female characters are about high school age, have legs for days, wear butt cheek grazing skirts and high heels, and talk with a valley girl stab.

Plots to these shows hardly stray from the formula where a group of girl friends work together to solve problems in their greater community. Along the way, there are staples in the conflict:

• ·      The villainous leader girl whose valley girl accent is thick and mean, as opposed to just present, and generally leads at least two dumb minions who are not intentionally as mean as much as they are sheep.
• ·      The unbalancing of harmony or spirit as a prized possession is lost, stolen or destroyed.
• ·      The confrontation of tradition and the pushback from older or male characters.

I have an ongoing contention with my 6 year-old-daughter about these shows. I call them “sassy girl” shows and otherwise judge them in front of her, in a poor attempt to create dialogue around concerning issues. She only hears the judgment part (she’s pretty intuitive…) and then blocks out the other parts (…and stubborn).

Recently, as summer is winding down and camps are running out but I still have the same amount of work to do, my daughter has been watching these shows with greater abundance. Because of my intolerance for her attitude after having watched a “sassy girl” show, I have started banning certain shows like Barbie and Brats (the obvious sassy factors), and I teeter on Monster High (more on that later). So, she decides to revisit My Little Pony Friendship is Magic.  (Now, this show I stand with. I was an avid My Little Pony collector as a child. I still have ALL of them and am just waiting for a clear weekend to clean them up, comb their hair and display them in a china hutch we recently inherited). The ponies are great! They are headed for gender neutral, none of them has a valley lisp, they all WORK, and their whole purpose is to build community. However, my little teenager trapped inside a young girl gets tired of all this practical entertainment and switches to Equestria Girls, which is basically an elongated sassy-fied pony girl with legs for days, a short skirt, and chunky boots. (HASBRO! Why did you need to do that!?!? The ponies were just fine as they were!) For the most part, the main characters maintain their character but as teenage girls, they all now have boy crushes, human female insecurities, and rely a little more heavily on the guidance of a leader (Twilight Sparkle) instead of working together as a group. And the skirts! What is with that?!

A couple days later, I hear my daughter sneaking an episode of Monster High and wander around the corner to start being contentious when I am frozen by the high degree of sexism that is taking place before my eyes. I realize that I am walking in mid-show and that there is context missing, however, no amount of context could make what I was seeing okay. I decide that I need to sit down and watch this episode start to finish, whilst taking notes, so that I can more confidently bring the hammer down on this once and for all.

I had been waffling on Monster High for months and would not allow her to watch it at the house. She was watching it at her grandmother’s house and playing with her friend’s MH dolls at school. My waffling was due to the fact, solely I think, that they are monsters. They still have waif waists, SUPER short skirts and Carrie Bradshaw heels, but they are also monsters and so I was trying to be a little more open to them. I mean, monsters are a step in the right direction, yes?

Truth be told, I was unaware whether or not they were “sassy girls” as I never watch the show with her. The only reason my kids watch TV is because I need to work, cook, clean, breathe, hide, internet shop, or otherwise be unengaged with them. But the other day I said to my daughter, “Hey will you watch the roller skate episode of Monster High with me later today?”  Her face lit up like an octogenarian birthday cake. Her smile wrapped clear around to the back of her head. She couldn’t believe it. She agreed with all the happiness and excitement I have ever seen her respond with and she set out to find the right episode and get it ready.

At that point, seeing her sheer and pure joy that I would want to watch a “sassy girl” show in its entirety, without doing anything else at the same time, WITH HER, took all the air out of my need to assess and deconstruct what I might see. We watched it and I have another essay prepared about what I saw (Roller derby being an all boy sport? Boyfriends putting their paws down about stuff? Team support coming with the slinky costume change? Egh!) but I also have to say that I had made some assumptions about the show that weren’t true. The monster girls are kind, they overcome a pretty big sexist conflict, and many of the characters are two and half dimensional.

Mostly what happened though, was that after watching the show together, my daughter was newly open to talking about what we saw. She asked me, over pizza, what I had written about the show. I said I hadn’t written anything yet and then I asked her if she wanted to know what I learned. She did. We had a really cool conversation about the team uniforms and how I thought it was weird that no one supported the team when they wore big clunky uniforms. But after the monster girl team decided they needed to play “more like themselves” instead of playing “like the boys” and changed into short dresses and high heel skates, the whole school showed up to cheer them on.

She thought hard about this. I could tell as her chewing slowed and her eyes looked up into her brain searching for clarity. She responded, “Ya, mommy, that’s because they trained SO HARD in those big armor suits that they earned their fashion.” She repeated, “They EARNED their fashion.”

I’m still not sure what to make of that. But I like it. I like that we can talk about it. And I’ll call this one a tie: Monster High-1/ Mommy-1.

 

Knitting

9/20/11

So this thing happened the other day at school where I ruined someone's day with mindless, android life skills.  I came into a classroom where there was a young student doing something I thought they shouldn't be doing. I immediately, and without stopping to survey the situation, started in on him, "I don't think you should be blah blah blah." And followed that with, "Wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha," like a Charlie Brown grown up.  I was met with much resistance, was called some names, had a meeting called on me, and then finally was told that I had ruined everything (This all happened before 8:45 a.m.).  Naturally, I was pretty bummed out. I had RUINED EVERYTHING.  My mind was racing and I retreated into thought as I licked my wounds. How is this my fault? I was the one who was called those nasty things!  I was just trying to-I was just trying to-Oh shit, what was I trying to do?  That is precisely it. I don't know what I was doing or why whatever that student was doing caught my eye. I didn't stop to think and then I ruined everything. 

The phrase, "didn't you stop to think?" usually means, "Why did you do that?" or "You should know better." We ask this of young people, employees, or anyone that we think we have more answers than. But really, we should take that phrase more seriously.  "Stopping to think" entails stopping and assessing the situation and having a bevy of solutions of which to choose correctly from. As it turns out, there is a reason there are so many books on the same topics (Read any consistent child rearing books lately?)  It's not because you are supposed to pick one and do what it says.  It's so you can have many solutions to choose from. (Duh, I know, but no one told me). Very few people actually do this. But, I want to be one of them.
My challenge lies in the fact that I am a person whose brain is always seeking patterns (and I'll add that I love, LOVE repetitive tasks. The more monotonous the better). I can see it in all aspects of my life.  My hobbies: sewing, puzzles, cards, untangling things, doing math, organizing, sorting, and, my church, sifting through endless racks of clothes at gigantic thrift stores. I pride myself on my rhythm and have always learned to play songs on instruments by memorizing the pattern of my hands. I also see it in my academic and/or professional approaches as well. I am always trying to figure out how to DO things.  I look for the way, the path, the guarantee. It's not that I always want things to be the same, it's just that I like to be able arrive at an outcome or know I can solve the problem.  It makes me terrible at following politics and encourages a training of the self that relies on automatic responses.
For Mother's Day, my husband took me to buy a new bike. This was awesome because my last bike, which I was in love with, was a Schwinn 10 speed from the 80's that I bought for a hundred bucks about five years ago. It weighed as much as me. It was like riding myself to work everyday. It only had a half of a working brake and I never shifted the gears because of the rust and the noise and the chain. But I had it all figured out. I could ride that bike thirty plus miles a day because I knew how to safely slow down and stop with that half brake, I built great muscle from the weight of it, and it was such a P.O.S. that I knew no one would ever try to steal it (confirmed as I gave it to a friend who locked it up outside her house til she could fix it up and it still sits there today). Then the new bike came and I couldn't remember which brake does what. It was scary because I had to think every time I wanted to stop. It was a real eye opener for me about how I train myself to do things without thinking about them. That I ride to work everyday without thinking about stopping. (I remember talking to a student about it when it happened. He was looking at me with a look that either approved of my deep thought or disproved of my unsafe bike riding. It was hard to tell). This is how I ruined everything for an 8 year old the other morning.  Because I was in the half-a-brake mode and just f***ed up my chance to turn his morning around. Both of our chances really.

Anywho, I wonder where drinking fits into all this (socially awkward drinking control anyone? Yes).  And religion (Which way? Which way?).  And I wonder why I never took to knitting-it seems right up my alley. 
My goal is to live up to some feedback I got from a colleague a few years back.  She said I was responsive and not reactive. She said it like it was true. Hmm. I want her to be right.

Things I think are Awesome:
Writing instead of watching new prime-time. (It's on RIGHT NOW)
Making journals with elementary schoolers.
Playing dress up (wink wink)
Capital letters instead of exclamation points.
Admitting I'm wrong. (Though I hardly ever am)
Salami
Leopard Print

Heros:
The roller hockey guys who let me share the rink with them.
People on buses and trains who let women with children sit down.
People who really listen

Stew

So it's back to school and my brain is on kids, learning, mentoring, and facilitation.  At my school, we do this awesome thing the weeks before and after school is in session called "staff week" where as a staff we prepare for the first few weeks of school, try to organize our organization, and learn about education together.  Each year it gets better and stronger and this year was no exception.  Needless to say, my head is deep in philosophy of what we try to do.  I guess now would be a good time to clarify that I work at a democratic free school which is a growing movement in alternative education.  The philosophy is complex and includes components such as self-direction, non-coersion, democratic school governance, community building, and above all, the freedom to learn in the best way for each individual.  It is a beautiful goal and like most philosophies that are beautiful and include a goal, it is not perfect and is in constant flux and evolution.  There are many blogs and websites that explore these ideals in detail with much room for debate and inquiry which I will include at the end of this post, for, I do not want this to be a platform, just a muse.

Anywho, sometime this summer I jokingly (mostly seriously) started calling Progressive Education passive-aggressive education (mostly where administrations are concerned) because "allowing kids/ teachers to make choices and educational decisions" can sometimes feel like no one will make a decision and/ or they want you to feel like you've made a decision but really want you to do something a specific way.  Passive Aggression.  No one likes it.  Almost everyone does it.  It really doesn't work and it can make simple things very confusing.  I've seen it it organizations and in students.  It comes up a lot in families. But no matter where it rears its ugly (but trying to by nice) head, it causes resentment, doubt, and generally leaves real work unfinished.

 This is where we arrive at a realization I recently had.  It happened yesterday as I played my first recreational Roller Derby scrimmage. An awesome thing about playing roller derby is that if you are not in the right spot, are making a bad decision, or are missing a good opportunity, a girl on your team will physically move you to where you should be.  We push each other through the pack, to block, to get the jammer to the top, or to knock someone over.  It works because the first thing they teach you in derby is to have a strong foundation in case someone pushes or hits whether you're expectiung it or not.  And you know, if you are steady and strong, that the girl who moves you has your best interest in mind.  On my ride home, I was replaying how many times this happened to me during the scrimmage and was feeling so grateful because I learned something every time it happened.  Being relatively new to the sport, I have a lot of rules and strategy to learn and, for me, the best way to learn is to live it.  You can tell me a million times, but I am a person who learns more through action and experience and from clear direction.  As a teacher as well as a parent, I think about this sort of thing often and while I observe the way my kids learn, I wonder if and when to put them in the"right spot". Particularly in the environment in which I teach, I spend a great deal of time hoping that I am offering the right information, projects, and exposure to ideas the students have expressed interest in without being vague or pushy (as all parents and teacher do, right?).  Regardless, what I really love about this derby idea of education is how proactive it is.  It is exciting to me as a strategy that you can be overt and aggressive in a positive way.  In the way that you keep a kid from being "knocked down" or missing the play entirely.  It relies, also, upon building a solid foundation, so that if you go to "move" them they don't end up on their face.
As a theory, and especially as a practice, this thought needs much more stewing time.  Food for thought nonetheless.

Until next time-be patient, grateful, and loving.





 Free School Resources:
AERO-www.educationrevolution.org
IDEA-www.democraticeducation.com
Bruce Zeines Blog-http://bzeines.wordpress.com/2011/09/05/back-to-school-labor-day-special/
If you really want to hit the source-A.S Neill's "Summerhill"
Anything by Chris Mercogliano

Things that are awesome:
Colored and patterned duct tape.
Pegging/ Hemming old pants and feeling like you have new pants
Kindle or e-readers (Sigh-it's true-I didn't want to believe it.  But now buying more books  than I read take sup a lot less space.)
Craftster.org
Ready Made Magazine

Heros:
My husband recently became my soup hero

Thinking, thinking, thinking...


     My book club, The Illiterati, recently finished reading "Just Kids" by Patti Smith.  This book was such an inspiration to me.  It is beautifully written and set in a grimy, romantic time of NYC that I love to read about.  I read it at a time, also, when I have been thinking a lot about heroes.  Female heroes for sure, but heroes for people at all.  I was trying to think of whether or not I had any heroes when I was a kid and can't think of anyone I truly aspired to be.  I was influenced by ideas and movements like any normal teenager (thank you Seattle grunge scene).  I wore many bold colored bandanas about my jeans as a youngster thanks to Soliel Moon Frye.  I even had a phase where I wanted to be the first female president and so started a table of all the most memorable positive actions the past presidents took and planned to combine them all into one super-heroesque lady president.  But, I had no hero-no one person I emulated.  I think about his now because I have a daughter and I wonder if she will have heroes and who they will be.  More importantly, I wonder how she will be presented with people to think are cool.  Reading Patti Smith's book, I was tickled by the idea of being surrounded by artists and musicians from the 60's and 70's.  She wrote about them with such reverence, clear of any form of celebrity.  Her meetings with, now, pretty well-known artists and personalities, inspired her to become better.  It deepened her already admirable dedication to living as an artist.  It feels different now, with stardom and celebrity being what it is.  Would being surrounded by well know personalities make you want to be better at your craft?  (I have been lucky enough to be supported by different creative communities at different times.  Indeed, it inspires me to try harder and typing about it inspires me to appreciate it more).

What I am really interested in doing, is remembering to look around at the people who do awesome stuff all the time, and being open to being inspired by them.  For instance, this summer, I was working in the the city and was commuting by bike again for the first time since my daughter was born (an inspiration in itself).  On the Manhattan side of the Williamsburg Bridge, there was a lady traffic cop who blew my mind.  She was amazing.  Every day, during morning rush-hour, she stood in the middle of the street and energetically got everyone safely where they should be.  She would walk in front of commercial trucks and stick her hand into eager drivers irritated faces without ever losing her temper or confident stature.  As a biker,  I trusted her completely.  I thanked her every day, and every day she ignored me (I think once she rolled her eyes) which only made me love her more. She was my summer Urban Hero.  And Patti Smith, as it turns out, is my new Published Hero.  Maybe the idea of a hero is dated. But, as a mother and a teacher, I think it is important to bring attention to the people who inspire you to know what you like to do or what you think is interesting.  I want kids to see that heroes don't have to be famous or even the best.  Most people aren't.  But a lot of people are awesome.  We should tell them.

On that note, things I think are Awesome:

Lady Traffic Cop-Williamsburg Bridge
"Just Kids" by Patti Smith
"Poser" by Claire Dederer
"Great Melodies from Around" by Ben VonWildenhaus
The amazing man who carried all my things, including a stroller, off the bus even though it wasn't his stop (you rule!)

Things I am working on:
"Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" by Amy Chua
My first 5K race: Miles for Midwives-http://miles4midwivesnyc.blogspot.com/